Relationships during the hard times

It is not easy...

• It is not easy being sincere when others have shown us the opposite of this.
• It is not easy letting go when we place importance and attachments to people or events in our life.
• It is not easy to change an image of our self because we think it is 'cool' but when it does not show who we really are.
• It is not easy to love unconditionally when we are taught that our love has conditions.
• It is not easy not being dramatic about it all. Because we seem to only listen to some degree when drama occurs. We learn to let things get out of control before we make them better.

How to make it easier
When there is an 'issue' in a relationship it is difficult to not see it as a 'you're wrong, I'm right' situation. If we all just acknowledged the role we have played in the situation and not be afraid to identify our own weaknesses this may not be such  big problem. Sometimes we won't understand what the problem is really about but a simple 'sorry' and loving gesture can change a persons mood. Sometimes we have to be the 'bigger man or woman'.

Letting go of ego and listening can do wonders for a loving relationship. If we allowed it, ego could get us to kill each other off. Loving others does not need to include suffering.

Top tips:
1. Care about the person who is speaking to you as opposed to being irritated by them. Everyone has a right to and should feel able to open up to someone they love.

2.Listen to the words that are spoken and then speak...less reacting just speak. Check out Active Listening.

3. Reflect and communicate with each other. Start being a team and stop undermining one another. Keep it to the point. Ultimately do not make accusations as we naturally become defensive. Instead start by asking questions or just begin talking about how you feel starting with...I felt, It sounded like... is probably better than You did this to me...You are a... etc

Lastly, for me an important ingredient to our magical potion of a loving relationship even in the hard times is...

4. Love - identify what this means to you and each other. Learn about what others think about love.  A great read is The Art of Loving by Eric Fromm. It could get you nodding and saying 'ah yes'.

Ultimately your objective is to make things better. How will you do this? Will you get all child like and make it about you? Sometimes we have to change the channel and stop playing the same tv show (our lives). Change perspective and actions in order to make things as good as we want them to be.

I know this is a tough one as what happens when the other person chooses not to take on an adult state or come from a place of love? (check out the role of ego states that play in our lives...it's an eye opener). Answering this is best for another post.

Much love to yourselves and those you have relationships with. Open your heart, let go of ego and love each other. 

Note: the advice above is not a quick fix especially if we are not used to behaving this way. As with everything having a good intention and practising the above will slowly guide us to more fulfillment in our relationships.

Let it go

We hear it all the time, I have written about it already and yet I feel it necessary to keep writing about it for myself and others.

Sometimes we do not even notice that we have been holding on to a lot of baggage from the past. So we get upset, angry and frustrated and wonder where this is coming from. Was it really the rude woman who pushed you on the platform? Is what your boyfriend saying really that bad? Why are you so upset? 

But...this is who I am
Yes! The way we behave is part of who we are. I am sure you have heard or even said yourself "Well that is just how I am". Of course it is but just because we choose to be angry, hurtful etc it doesn't mean that's how we should stay. We are choosing it to be who we are. We have other qualities that makes us US too. Think about the qualities you want to have to better your life and what it would mean to you and others if you chose love instead of hate. Yes it's bloody hard when we are pissed off and life has thrown some ridiculous obstacles in our way. But why don't we grow up and do what we gotta do to make our state of mind, life and relationships better. This advice is not rocket science yet it is so hard for us to take and implement in our lives. Let's do this peeps! Kick out those thoughts, events or behaviours you just do not want to have in your life. Cherish your space and what you put in it and give it more love and care. 

NOTE TO SELF: Acknowledge what happened and how you feel. Feel it. Now ask yourself: Is this how I want to feel everyday? 

If you choose to break free tell yourself that you are done with being angry, hateful, annoyed, frustrated and start visualising the essence of who you want to be. Close your eyes, breath and listen and feel yourself breathing. Feel your body relax and know that nothing can harm your state of mind because you are in charge. Love yourself, pour love into your being, think of loving moments and smile. Smile, smile, smile, smile, smile...

This exercise or any other relaxation technique should be repeated in order for you to feel relaxed and more balanced. When repeated it will begin to feel more natural to you and will become a part of you. Hopefully it will be something you can tap in to when things get a little too much and you forget how to let things go.

Relationships: Is honesty the best policy?

One of the main factors which influence our decision to begin a committed relationship with someone is the picture or perception we have of that person during the 'dating' or 'getting to know them stage'. So the words, actions and statements they provide us with during this time will tell us about sort of person they are. But you can never know. So of course when we feel this stage is a success we delve right in and good on all of us for doing that because life is about just doing things even if they scare you. However months down the line we may then be faced with the realisation that the truth which we built in our mind about this person wasn't the reality after all.

Is honesty the best policy?
So I am going to be honest because for me it is a great policy to have! I know some will disagree as sometimes it feels like we are doing someone a favour by not exposing everything to them.  I can understand this and there are exceptions (although we all have different ideas on what these exceptions are). So in relation to getting to know somebody, the sooner we understand each others expectations of what we want from the relationship, what we feel comfortable and uncomfortable with the better it will be for both of us in the long run.

Be honest and feel free
When we are honest we are providing a clear picture of who we are, what our expectations are and because of this honesty people know what they are dealing with and actually trust in you. You also will know that the other person will love you for who you really are. This type of honesty equals freedom. Freedom to be, freedom to make mistakes and the freedom to make things better. Everyone has different levels of expectations and what they find acceptable. We need to learn to accept this and make compromises otherwise we can not expect others to do the same for us.

Be realistic
The reality for most of us is that the process of getting know somebody continues throughout the relationship. Relationships change because we all change, we grow together and shed layers we had at the beginning of the relationship to allow new layers to be formed. However this can only be effective if we are willing to communicate openly and honestly, not only to our partner but to ourselves.

'Relationships are hard work.'
Be honest with yourself and see life for what it is! Life is a mixture of many things with many obstacles, many joys and surprises. This is the same for the other areas of our life: work, children, family, friendships.There is not going to be an emergency exit to the problems we face in life. It is what it is. We need to accept it and know what we want to do with it. So...relationships, they can be the most awesome aspect to our lives or the most daunting. It is our choice.

Just like we have to do whatever it is we need in order to get along at work it is the same in a relationship. Obviously with the added benefits of fun times, intimacy, love, passion, romance, sex etc. So wouldn't it be even more important to use those skills we use at work to compromise, listen, discuss ideas and create awesome projects within our personal lives? Obviously relationships shouldn't be seen as a chore but if we want one there is a responsibility that comes with it.

Could we change our perceptions of relationships and value them a little more?
Could we acknowledge the needs we have, communicate to each other about these needs openly and create relationships we are proud to be part of?

You make your life work...therefore you make your relationships work. Relationship building does not stop after a year of being together or even after 10! Our journey together continues, grows, transforms and modifys itself.

Remember to add a bit of passion and Sparkle
Although honesty is important in a relationship so is your idea of your relationship...or relationship-image and belief! Do you think it is wise to tell ourselves "oh well we went past that honeymoon phase"? Is this us putting our relationships in a little box that is now saying "boring, monotone, routine and unchangeable"? So what do we want our relationships to be like? Do we want passion? Do we want love and happiness? If so we got to work out what that looks like and what works for us. Love and communicate with each other and if you are feeling afraid or vulnerable just think...what is the worst that could happen?

When we adopt the need to be honest we are also being genuine, sincere and real. Once we take this road we will find it difficult as it is not easy being 'intimate' in this way, exposing our human self with all its rawness. BUT, although uncomfortable at first (as is most things we are trying out for the first time) we will find that we can be more connected to not only those we have relationships with but to ourselves. This is probably one of the most important reasons why we could re-think and accept the idea that possibly 'honesty is the best policy'.

Letting go and moving on

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. Sometimes we fear that by letting go of something that we cherished, loved and almost obsessed over will mean we failed in some way or that it was not an important contribution to who we are today. 

We may feel that 'something' will be lost forever. This 'something' can be a failed project, business, relationship, deceased family or friend. It could even be letting go of the idea of 'ourselves'! Sometimes we can find ourselves waking up feeling exhausted with the mask we have covered ourself with and realise this is not who we are. As we try to let go of those layers we find it difficult, unnatural and extremely painful to move forward in to a new image of who we are or want to be. We may delve into a child like state trying to claw back what is left of that project, business, relationship or idea "But that's not fair! That's not what I wanted in life, I worked so hard, I tried my best! That's not how it was meant to be". 

We may need to constantly give ourselves a gentle reality check of life: we change, others change, life changes. Things happen, sometimes we may have control over this change other times we have no control over the changes that happen to us. When you feel you had no say in the way 'change' occurred in your life the process of accepting what has happened or is happening can take a long time. 

Letting go will be hard, but give yourself a purpose. At first the purpose will be to stay sane. For instance, after being with your partner of 12 years you may find yourself alone and asking many questions you can not find the answers to. Your only purpose at the beginning stages of what can only describe as, the grieving process, is to get through the hour. In these circumstances your mental strength is tested beyond what you could have previously imagined was possible. You always feel at moments of intense grief that you can not get through life and yet despite not seeing the benefits of this heartache until much later on, you find it within yourself to fight through the uncertainty of it all and move forward. 

Tips to letting go and moving on

1. Acknowledge your present situation: are you grieving? then grieve! Do you need support? Don't be afraid to ask for it.

2. Do not shut out the world: Stay in touch with close friends and family. Despite feeling like you are numb with grief their presence can provide some light to your situation.

3. Understand yourself and ask yourself key questions: What will I do to get through this difficult time? Write down your thoughts.

4. Do the things you love: Keeping yourself busy can help you focus on something else other than the pain you are feeling. At first this will make no difference, remember point no.1 that is okay. With time things get better.

5. Stay positive: You may feel that your world has come to an end but you are not alone. Everyone has experienced some form of heartache in their life and they have survived. 

6. Make an intention to love yourself even when you can not feel it. You need to hold on to something even if it is for a few minutes in the day. Because this will slowly grow and increase and then one day you will find yourself looking back on your journey and being thankful that you pulled through, that you reached for that light and got yourself out of the darkness. 

7. When you begin to feel stronger start setting small goals to your desired outcome. 

8. Recognise when you have achieved your goal and set another small goal. 

9. Quieten the noise that is surrounding you by doing something you value and that helps you build your strength: this may be a daily routine such as laying on your bed contemplating, meditating, praying, it could be running, walking, dancing, knitting etc. Whatever it is keep hold of your ritual. 

10. Look back to see how far you have come as inspiration and keep moving forwards.

Us Women

"90% of British women feel body-image anxiety"

        (data taken from The Government’s Body Confidence Campaign)

As International Women's Day passed us by on Saturday 8th March a group I have co-founded with my friend Katie called Nous Les Femmes organised a Women's Day. We had talks, stalls, food, drinks and good company. Women felt great about themselves and despite me and Katie's lack of sleep and exhaustion from all the planning and setting up with our amazing team of helpers the atmosphere was positive and it feels like this is the beginning of something bigger! Guests have shown a keenness to help with future events. One lady stated that she has been "waiting for something like this for a long time".

Having had to research a little more in to this topic, I was soon reminded that there are major global issues which effect women simply because of their gender. These problems are a result of the perceptions we have of both genders and messages we have passed down from generation to generation and they are not going to just go away. According to the United Nations women website: “Women bear a disproportionate burden of the world’s poverty. Statistics indicate that women are more likely than men to be poor and at risk of hunger because of the systematic discrimination they face in education, health care, employment and control of assets.” If we feed each other with the idea that women are of lesser value then men then we are contributing to the devastating issues that women face globally.

In the UK, along with issues of sexual harassment, rape, domestic violence (which happens to every 1 in 4 women) we have HUGE issues regarding body-image anxiety which leads to low self-esteem. This anxiety simply hinders our potential to create a more fulfilling life for ourselves and others. At five, children begin to understand other people's judgement of them. The medias portrayal of women and how we should 'be' further exasperates the anxieties children face regarding their self-image. The media's influence is something I have learnt about since I was a child and I am sure it is a conversation our parents had at one time in school. So then you sit and wonder has anything changed? In an age where we rely on social media, have more sophisticated ways of advertising is it getting better? Are we really progressing in the right direction? If children are growing up in a culture that praises beauty as something you can only see and bombards them with images of what that beauty needs to look like, we will be giving our children a very limited belief system. 

The media tells us what beauty should look like and yet all this does is get girls and boys comparing themselves to unrealistic media demands. Should children as young as 5 be feeling anxiety for how they look? Obviously this depends from child to child and as a teacher I know all too well that these anxieties are not only a result of the medias impact but passed down through the family or as part of a natural consequence of growing up. Having said that the media magnifies this pressure with a specific type of image.

Beauty is not only something you see but it is to be experienced with all the five senses. This is the only way we can identify whether we think something is a beautiful thing or not.

I have actually heard a man say that "but that's what we want to see" and I can not help but laugh at this. Seriously? I simply say this: You only think that is what you want to see because that's all the media has been feeding us with. We are programmed to think that the image we see is what we should like. Has anyone tried anything different? If so, how can we encourage responsible advertising? How we going to educate our children into understanding that beauty lies within? Although I have been highlighting the medias role in our body -image anxiety we need to start questioning what role we will play in creating a more confident society.

For whatever reason, women have been misunderstood, they misunderstand themselves and need to feel empowered in knowing that these ideas we have of each other are just that, ideas. However both women and men need to acknowledge the role they play in feeding these ideas in to the minds of the younger generation. Change will not just occur with women uniting and standing up for themselves but it will require the support of strong, educated men who can contribute to lasting changes and make the world a better place.We can make a difference within our families, our friendships, in our workplace and within the wider community when we begin to see how these issues relate to us in some way. 

Taking some responsibility in feeding each other with views of the opposite sex could be a first step. The idea that "women are not leaders" or "men are players" needs to change. If we continue to have these ideas we will simply live up to these expectations. What could be more productive to our time and beneficial for the next generation is if we get to know what it means to be a woman or a man, understand our differences and how we relate to each other and praise our strengths. A population that is less ignorant but more aware of their impact will not only reap in the rewards of contributing positively to our local communities but will also be a driving force to create global change. 

Happy Light Coaching's Thoughts

"This is your life and so you must lead it down the path you need to follow. Do this without guilt or worry of what others think. Others will still judge you regardless of your best efforts to be a 'good person'."

"It would be brilliant to be able to retain this certainty of life, of our path and of ourselves...definitely a goal for life."

"Do not let other peoples doubts enter your space...there's no need to hold on to that sort of energy. These are their doubts not yours."

"Let it go! Whether it is the past or something someone has said or done now. It holds you back from being you and stops you from living."

You make those changes

Either of these options for change can work for you when you have a positive intention to do what is best and what is necessary in order to move on in your life. 

What we are not told often enough is that it IS okay to walk away from situations or people that do not serve our purpose. What do we mean when we say 'our purpose'? We could define it as our intention in life to do what is right for us. Only the individual can really know what that is for them.